Sunday, February 28, 2010

Magpie Entry #3



I’m sure you’re aware of Willow’s Magpie contest. The idea is, you are given an object to write about and a couple of days to come up with a short piece of fiction having to do with that object. It’s all done just for the fun of it.
I took part in the first two weeks: to start off, there was a creamer to write about and the second object was a box of matches from a Bratislava hotel.
This week is a bit different. The object is below:



I stared at this thing, whatever it is, for quite a while. I came up with no ideas. My poor powers of creativity and/or imagination didn’t seem up to the task. But then I thought, well at least I should try.
So, here goes…


Title: “If Big Ed Ever Hears About This…”
“Let’s go over this again. You gave the money to this guy – what’s his name again?”
“Joe. Joe Muriani.”
“You gave him the five grand?”
“Right. And he said he’d set the whole thing up – provide the boat, install the corpse, the whole deal.”
“Look at it, Sal. Look at the boat. It’s a ROWBOAT, for God’s sake.”
“When he said boat I naturally assumed it would have a motor. I think we got screwed.”
“No, Sal. WE didn’t get screwed, you did. You rented a rowboat for five thousand dollars! If Big Ed ever hears about this…”
“Listen, Vinnie, it’s not all bad. At least we got a boat and the stiff is in it, there under the blanket. We can do what has to be done. No need to tell Big Ed about this.”
“Who is this Joe Muriani anyway?”
“He’s a guy I used to know years ago. From Secaucus.”
“What! You dimwit! Don’t you know we have nothin’ to do with nobody from the Secaucus family?”
“Look, Vinnie, I’ll do all the work. I’ll row the damn boat. I realize I may be partially to blame…”
“Partially! This is your show, Sal. The spotlight is on you. You’re gonna get full credit, believe me. If Big Ed ever hears about this…”
“Don’t keep saying that, Vinnie. Makes me nervous.”
“You got a lot to be nervous about.”
“Look, we row out to the spot, tie the weight on the body and dump him in. He’ll sink right down to Danny Jones Locker.”
“Davy.”
“What?”



“What’s this, Sal? This is supposed to be the weight we’ll use?”
“Yeah, he said it was a full kilogram. That’s – that’s heavy, right, Vinnie?”
“God you’re dumb. It’s nothin’; it’s a pound or two. This would be like tying a tiddleywink on the stiff and expecting that to cause him to sink. Don’t you get it, Sal? If this body pops back up and bobs about in the water out there for a day or two someone’s gonna spot it and it’ll get back to Big Ed. You can’t imagine what’ll happen then!”
“I can imagine it. Maybe I can look around for a big rock to use for the weight.”
“We’re supposed to be professionals, dammit! We finally got an important assignment and we’re expected to handle it like we know what the hell we’re doing. And you, you rent a rowboat for five grand and now you’re gonna look around for a big rock! I’m tellin’ ya – if Big Ed ever hears about this…!”

49 comments:

French Fancy said...

Did you used to be a crime writer, Berowne?

savannah said...

hilarious, sugar! xoxox

ds said...

Ha ha! Very inventive. What will Big Ed say?

Berowne said...

ds: "What will Big Ed say?"

He'll say whatever Mrs. Big Ed tells him to say. :-)

Berowne said...

FF: "Did you used to be a crime writer, Berowne?"

No, I just committed them.

(Jes' kiddin')

JC said...

Funny !!!

Berowne said...

Thanks for the encouraging comment, savannah.

truestarr said...

Your blog makes me happy, so I've given you an award and posted it on my blog.

Thanks for all the enjoyment.

/jessica

joanny said...

Berowne

I agree this prompt is an oddity to write about.
Having said that you did a good job.
I am a very visual person, and Laurel and Hardy popped into my mind... Ollie, "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into."
The phrase has passed into common usage and means to blame a partner for causing an avoidable problem. Which in your wonderful little short essay seems to take that humorous road. The humor lies in your characters precluding them from making any real progress in even the simplest endeavors. We all like to have a good laugh at others foibles -- because we can relate on some level of doing some absurd action ourselves.. well not killing someone -- but say going camping and not having a tent . . .and getting lost. . .etc.

As you can tell your story brought back the wonderful memories of watching the complex humorous character acting of Laurel and Hardy on television.

Thanks
Joanny

Kevin Musgrove said...

Neatly done, sir!

Berowne said...

truestarr: "Your blog makes me happy, so I've given you an award..."

You've made this a truly memorable weekend; thanks so much.

Berowne said...

Glad you enjoyed it, JC.

Berowne said...

Good analysis, Joanny.

Berowne said...

Always glad to have you visit, Kevin.

R. Burnett Baker said...

Ahh, Berowne, this one gave me a big grin and made me laugh! You should carry on the story and have that damned kilo weight pop back up into Sal's face somehow!

Rick

Catalyst said...

I am unhappy.

--Big Ed

Berowne said...

Catalyst: "I am unhappy. -Big Ed."

Sorry. I had hoped you'd never hear about it.:-)

Berowne said...

R. Burnett Baker -- Thanks for a good plotline, R. Burnett.

Everyday Goddess said...

Great storytelling!

(I am a little daunted by this weeks prompt ~ hope I can overcome it!)

Berowne said...

E. Goddess: "I am a little daunted by this week's prompt..."

Me too!

christine said...

Ha ha Funny and inventive.

Christine

Berowne said...

Thanx, Christine...

Brian Miller said...

ha. that is an amazing crime-humor story...i think i was channeling the sopranos as i read it...smiles.

Sandy said...

I like how you think.

chiccoreal said...

Berowne: The Godfather meets Laurel and Hardy. "The boss isnt gonna be happy 'bout this". Excellent diatribe for the flatfoot dick tracy types, which is definitely "up my alley". Artful!

The Muse said...

yes, admittedly my thoughts ran dark at first blush of the prompt...
and yet my heart took me elsewhere...

great read here...a bit keystone cops a bit abbot and constello...and dean m and jerry l. but with intrigue to keep our brains ticking!

http://adivashammer.com/archives/26

Bachelor said...

Could the theme song be "Mack, the Knife"?.. great read.. they sound like two real losers as most of those guys are in the movies!... fun!
:) The Bach

spacedlaw said...

Big (heavy weight) trouble brewing...
Well done.

willow said...

Too cute!! The three stooges of the mob. Love the tiddlywink anchor! ((giggles))

Berowne said...

Brian Miller: "...i think i was channeling the sopranos as i read it."

Now, that IS a compliment. Thanks, Brian.

Berowne said...

Sandy: "I like how you think."

And I think I like you. :-)

Berowne said...

chiccoreal, The Muse, The Bach, spacedlaw and willow -- my sincere thanks for your generous response to my little effort.

Vicki Lane said...

Good Damon Runyon-esque dialogue! Obviously Sal is just another metrically challenged American.

Pat said...

A pleasure;)

Berowne said...

Vicki Lane: "Good Damon Runyon-esque dialogue!"

Never thought I'd have my name mentioned in the same context as the great Runyon. Thanks.

Berowne said...

Pat: "A pleasure."

A pleasure indeed, hearing from you, Pat.

Jessie said...

lol lol this is GREAT!!! lol lol
i have a movie of this playing out in my mind and i'm loving every second of it!!

smiles,

steviewren said...

I like it....I hope Big Ed doesn't get wind of this story...those guys will be sunk themselves if he does.

Berowne said...

Jessie: "I have a movie of this playing out in my mind and i'm loving every second of it!!"

Hey, come on. Shouldn't I get a percentage of the gross?

Lyn said...

Pacino/ Joe Pesce/ Ray Romano... Comedy tonight..ya can't sink anyone in Secaucus..go to the Palisades!

Jennifer said...

Love it! The poor bloke will only be floating with the shallow fishes!

Queenmothermamaw said...

I can't get over how many of us felt daunted at this photo yet came up with great stuff. This is the first time I have visited. I am loving this Magpie Project. I think you should carry these two doodoos on into a series. Great job.
QMM

Berowne said...

Lyn: "..ya can't sink anyone in Secaucus..go to the Palisades!"

Why not? It's on the Hackensack River. :-)

Berowne said...

Queenmothermamaw: "Great job."

Thanks a lot, Reinemere.

C.M. Jackson said...

doz joisy boyz are at it again! fugettaboutit!

great post!

Berowne said...

C.M.Jackson: "Great post!"

Thanks, C.M.

Peter Goulding said...

Realistic conversation is soooooo difficult to write (I should know) but you can almost hear these two schmucks.
Wonder if they call him Big 'Ed to his face?

The Hausfrau said...

Very fun--great voice, Berowne!

Berowne said...

My thanx to Peter Goulding and The Hausfrau.

 
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