Thursday, May 27, 2010

MAGPIE 16

“Judge Phyllis”


ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER): The “Judge Phyllis” show, one of cable television’s most successful programs, is already under way as we join it...
(FADE IN ON...)
GLINDA: We had been staying together.
JUDGE PHYLLIS: For how long?
GLINDA: Three weeks, like.
JUDGE: So, Alberto, you were in a relationship with this young lady?
ALFREDO: We were, your honor; I mean I was. We both were.
JUDGE: You were in love?
ALFREDO: I most certainly was.
GLINDA: Yet he stole my shoes!
JUDGE: Yes, that’s what this all boils down to. Why would you steal a lady’s shoes, Alberto?
ALFREDO: Judge, I am a philosopher. You see, the heart only knows what the yearning of the soul is aware of. Men may have scoffed through the centuries, but the truth is always there, always waiting to be found. I have learned this as I have wandered down through life’s path.
JUDGE: Unfortunately the network gives me just one hour for this show. Otherwise, I could take twenty minutes or so to try to figure out what you just said. In the meantime, how about you, Glinda? Why do you think he stole your shoes?
GLINDA: That’s easy! He found a new girl friend! He met her at work.
JUDGE: Where do you work, Alberto?
ALFREDO: Your honor, usually I take what comes my way. As a philosopher I learned long ago not to try to change the world, though deep inside all of us is the awareness that it certainly needs change. So I emphasize that I am not offended that you don’t seem to know my name, though it’s written right there on that paper in front of you. My name is “Alfredo,” not “Alberto.” Just think of the sauce, Sauce Alfredo – though they usually use too much butter in its preparation – and you’ll get it right every time.
JUDGE: Whatever. Let’s get back to business. Where do you work?
GLINDA: Go on, tell her. He works in the town dump, Judge.
ALFREDO: Actually, the waste disposal division. I am a separator. As people come in with various types of material they wish to dispose of, I separate this into three parts: metal, wood and cardboard.
JUDGE: And you met this new girl friend at the town dump?
ALFREDO: She drove in with some things she wanted to throw away so I showed her how I was there to separate them. We sort of got to know each other. Her name is Eunice.
GLINDA: It would be something like Eunice. Look at him, Judge. He’s not much to look at but believe it or not he has a kind of mysterious charm that appeals to women.
JUDGE: That definitely is mysterious. So you decided to go after this new girl and dump the old one?
ALFREDO: I would certainly not put it that way. I saw immediately that I could be of help to this young woman. Her shoes, your honor. Her shoes were all wrong for her – boring, utilitarian, unattractive. But I knew where there was a pair that was just right for her, made for her you might say.

JUDGE: I’m beginning to figure this out. So you went back and stole Glinda’s shoes to give to your new girl friend?
ALFREDO: I stole nothing. They were given to me.
JUDGE: And you, Glinda, Good Witch of the North, you gave him the shoes? Why on earth would you do that?
GLINDA: Well, I thought he was a freak, a bit of a pervert. You know, a “footishist” or whatever they call it. So I figured it would do no harm for him to have a little fun with them. I certainly didn’t know he planned to give them to another woman.
JUDGE: That’s it. You’ve got to give them back, Alberto.
ALFREDO: I don’t have them. They now belong to Eunice.
GLINDA: But you stole them!
ALFREDO: Again, Your Honor, I stole nothing. They were given to me, which means, according to our ancient legal code, that I could do with them as I wished.
JUDGE: I’m afraid he’s got something there.
GLINDA: But isn’t there some kind of law against inalienations of affections?
JUDGE: Not really. You know, Glinda, there’s an opera song titled “La donna e mobile”: women are fickle. But so often it’s men who are the fickle ones. You’ll see. Alberto will stick with this current girl friend till he meets someone new – or maybe comes across an enticing new pair of ladies’ shoes. Then he’ll be gone like a shot. Bailiff, next case!

42 comments:

Helen said...

What a clever take on Willow's photo prompt...quite the engrossing tale!

Lynn Hamilton Rutherford said...

Hahahaa!! You had me all the way from the name "Glinda"!!! This is brilliant and I want to know ..... "what happens next"?!?!? Love your stuff!!!

Berowne said...

Helen: "...quite the engrossing tale!"

Thanks so much, Helen.

Berowne said...

Lynn H.R.: "Love your stuff!!!"

Love your comments!

Paul C said...

Now I know who Berowne is. This is hilarious and would make hilarious theatre in a drama class. Your characterization is most engaging.

Bossy Betty said...

Doesn't Glinda have a magic wand she can use instead of the judge????

Madame DeFarge said...

I love these posts of yours. Just so clever. i am entirely envious of you.

Crystal Mary said...

SO good! those shoes,great controvesy and well travelled.
You got me with La Donna e Mobile. I play opera in the car and sing along with it at the top of my voice.
My name used to be Carbone`...Italian.
I am wondering if you are also of Italian origin? Bless ya.

Menina said...

This is so funny! I enjoyed reading this, and am glad to have found your blog through magpie tales!

kathew said...

Hilarious...that's the word!! I look forward to your oh so very cleverer than me posts-how do you ever come up with such stories- so smart!

Tumblewords: said...

Creative and probably non-fiction! :) Wonderful!

Sue J said...

Very entertaining!

Derrick said...

That Glinda probably has hundreds more pairs of shoes to leave lying around. Let poor Alfredo have just one!

Berowne said...

Paul C., Bossy Betty, Mme DeF and Crystal Mary -- it's great comments like yours that make this Magpie deal such a pleasure. Thanks.

Berowne said...

Menina: "I enjoyed reading this, and am glad to have found your blog through magpie tales!"

And I'm glad to have found yours.

Berowne said...

Great to hear from kathew, Tumblewords, Sue J and Derrick -- thanks so much.

sheri... said...

and who couldn't use an alfredo in their lives, if only for a short while? i just hate the thought of having to go to the dump in my worst shoes in order to find him?
berowne, this was so well written, i loved the style and the story was pretty cute, too! so, what else do you have up your sleeve you clever man, hunh?

Berowne said...

sheri: "...what else do you have up your sleeve?"

Could I interest you in a new pair of shoes?{-)

Shirley Landis VanScoyk said...

Fun!

chiccoreal said...

Dear Berowne: Awesome! Totally engaging! Well almost! Alienation; what exactly does that mean? When a guy dumps a gal emotionally? And then both parties of the second part can do that? Why? It is truly an alien nation when we loose our shoes. Saved by the Italian operas again! Oh I have need to play opera, yes indeedy!

She Writes said...

Fabulous! He had style, he had wit, and he had a bit of eccentricity. A charming mix.

Berowne said...

She Writes: "He had style, he had wit, and he had a bit of eccentricity. A charming mix."

Are we thinking of the same guy? :-)

spacedlaw said...

Imagine giving our ruby slippers to a girlfriend!

Berowne said...

spacedlaw: "Imagine giving our ruby slippers to a girlfriend!"

That would be an entirely different story -- and one that may well be used as a future magpie effort. :-)

Lisa said...

Applause and whistles for this very entertaining piece! Brilliant take on the prompt--I absolutely loved it.

Berowne said...

Lisa, thanks for such an enthusiastic comment. Wonder if I could get it framed... :-)

Yemalla said...

She may not be quite as sharp as Judy, but I like Phyllis! Great tale, Berowne! You must have been a bard in a previous life!

Everyday Goddess said...

I was married to an ole Yalie philosophy major.

Sounds like you know his type. They love trying to get us to think their way. Bless their pointy little heads!

Sandra said...

Well written and very capturing. Thank you that was most enjoyable!

R. Burnett Baker said...

Ah, a good laugh on a Saturday morning! I thought he was gonna be the one wearing the shoes. But that "inalienation" stuff: I've got to look into that!

Fun!

Rick

R. Burnett Baker said...

By the way, Berowne, doesn't inalienation have something to do with inbreeding?

Berowne said...

Great to hear from Yemalla, E. Goddess, Sandra and Rick. Thanks!

Berowne said...

Rick: "By the way, Berowne, doesn't inalienation have something to do with inbreeding?"

Not much (I've tried both). :-)

Brian Miller said...

ha. as always entertaining...if the shoe fits...

willow said...

Okay....now I've gotta listen to The Pav....

Berowne said...

Always great to hear from willow, the Queen Bee of this Magpie hive. :-)

Queenmothermamaw said...

These are getting more fun all the time. Great job and I could just see Alfredo, probably with big wire rimmed glasses.
QMM

Stafford Ray said...

Luckily he got away from a weirdo Glinda who assumed he had a fetish! I mean, he might have taken them to wear. Perfectly normal!

Berowne said...

QMM: "These are getting more fun all the time."

And your comments are getting more welcome all the time. :-)

Suz said...

Oh you're such a fine writer...that Alberto oh I mean Alfredo..what a cad...but I guess she went for cads

Peg said...

Cute - maybe Glinda will check her next boyfriend out a little closer!

Berowne said...

Peg -- Always a sensible precaution. :-)

 
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