Friday, July 9, 2010

Magpie #22

“Fried Green POISON!”
If you’ve dropped by this blog from time to time, you may remember reading a couple of months ago about “Judge Phyllis,” one of cable television’s most popular programs.

Well, I checked recently, and I was surprised to learn that the Judge Phyllis show has gone on to become the number-one syndicated courtroom show on TV and Phyllis is now quite a celebrity. Her ratings are terrific: nearly 10 million viewers daily.
Willow’s prompt this week reminded me of a recent case on the Judge Phyllis program – it was all about fried green tomatoes. It went like this…

JUDGE PHYLLIS: Let’s see if I have this straight. You say that your husband is telling everyone that you’re trying to poison him?
JEANNE: That is pretty much what is happening, your honor.
JUDGE: Pretty much? Doesn’t sound all that definite. Let’s talk with the spouse. You’re – Richard, right?
RICHARD: That’s right, Judge.
JUDGE: Why are you telling folks that your wife is poisoning you?
RICHARD: She isn’t. I mean I don’t. I haven’t; I wasn’t -- what?
JUDGE: I see. Let’s talk to Jeanne. What evidence do you have that your husband is spreading the word that you’re poisoning him?
JEANNE: Well, your honor, it’s a bit complicated. You know how different things are these days because of the internet? Well, when I serve fried green tomatoes – a dish I learned how to cook when I was a little kid – he goes around telling everyone about it, including all the guys at that place where he works.
JUDGE: You mean he complains about your cooking?
JEANNE: Oh, no. The opposite. He usually told them how much he loves tomatoes served that way.
JUDGE: Where does the poisoning come in?
JEANNE: Well, I was amazed to learn from the internet that fried green tomatoes, prepared a certain way, can be toxic.
RICHARD: And poisonous, judge.
JUDGE: H’mm. So Richard learned this on the internet?
JEANNE: No, he didn’t read it there. He doesn’t really, your honor, read all that well. With the little words he’s okay; the bigger ones not so much. But someone there at work looked it up and told him the internet says that the leaves and stems of the tomato plant contain – wait, I wrote it down – “tomatine, a poisonous alkaloid.”
RICHARD: And you can imagine how that made me feel. Let me tell you something, Judge: poisonous alkoids can make you sick!
JUDGE: Yes, I tend to avoid them, for that very reason.
JEANNE: But, your honor, I don’t – no one does – use the leaves and stems of the tomato plant when I make fried green tomatoes. You saw the movie? Just about everyone saw that movie. No one got sick from those fried green tomatoes!
JUDGE: What are the monetary damages of this?
JEANNE: You mean money?
JUDGE: Yes, monetary means money.
JEANNE: Oh, it’s not the money. We live in a small town; you know, where everyone knows everyone else’s business. I now have the reputation of a wife who’s trying to poison her husband. People look the other way when I walk by. And what’s worse, every once in a while some woman will come up to me and whisper, “You go, girl!”
JUDGE: Ha. Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh. What about you, Richard? If Jeanne makes these fried green you-know-whats again, would you eat them?
RICHARD: I guess so. Long as they’ve got them alkoids out of ‘em.
JUDGE: Jeanne, I’m afraid there’s not much we can do, legally. You might avoid preparing this dish for a while. And Richard, don’t talk about it at work. This way the two of you can move ahead to a long, happy, alkoid-free life. Bailiff, next case!

35 comments:

sheri said...

whew...for a minute there i thought i might have to give up my fried green tomatoes habit! thankfully, i never eat the leaves and stems so i must be 'good to go'...the same as your marvelous magpie ;)

ds said...

Ha ha! "With the little words, he's okay; the bigger ones not so much."
Thanks for the laugh.

Brigid said...

Great story, 'You go, girl' Love it.

Suz said...

reminds me of talking to my mother
ha!
don't car for green tomatoes..fried or pickled

Linda said...

Another great story. They just keep on comin'. You have a talent for dialog!

Berowne said...

Dear Friends: If you came from Willow Manor about this week's Magpie, you'll note that I am on the list there twelve times!!! Not my fault; Mr Linky seems to have gloriously screwed up. I entered my name ONCE.

Helen said...

You brought all three characters to life ~ Viva la fried tomatoes!!!

kathew said...

so that explains how you got on 12 times....I thought it was perhaps a serial thriller! hahah
Fun Magpie as usual! Recipe please?

nana_ang_poppaphil said...

Fried Green Tomatoes..saw the movie but have never tried them..perhaps I won't bother aftr your Magpie..

Thanks for letting us know about Mr. Linky i was going to check your others to see if it was a series.

Brian Miller said...

i figured if you put your link in 12 times it must be good...smiles...i was not disappointed. lol. nice write berowne

The Bug said...

This was a lot of fun to read. I could just see the judge looking at them in disbelief.

Chrissy said...

so fun and entertaining! Nice Magpie! :)

Tumblewords: said...

Clever - a cheery poison case.

Greyscale Territory said...

A fun tangled dialogue where actual communication and understanding become a bit of a comical process!

signed...bkm said...

Wonderful piece - love the voice in it - like I could hear them talking..bkm

ninotaziz said...

At last, the one that made me laugh, smile and giggle (wanted to say snicker...but then we don't snicker, do we?)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Fred Miller said...

As I understand it, those tomatoes were about 75% dihydrogen monoxide. Fact: dihydrogen monoxide is fatal if inhaled in its liquid form. It burns skin in its gaseous state. It is, in fact, the most common cause of drowning. Poor Richard is still in grave danger, and the system is failing him!

Derrick said...

Well, I've heard of the film but not seen it and never eaten FGTs. Never seen Judge Phyllis either. I must lead a sheltered life!

Berowne said...

Brigid: "Great story, 'You go, girl' Love it."
And great comment; thanx.

Berowne said...

Great to hear from Sheri, ds, Suz and Linda again.

Carrie Burtt said...

At least there wasn't any Bar-b-q and missing people...lol
Love what you did with this Magpie. Truly entertaining! :-)

Berowne said...

To all the folks who took the time to stop by and read this Msgpie effort, my sincere thanks.

soundoffreedom said...

Now this is a very funny dialogue! Enjoyable read!

Pat said...

I really must try them one of these days.

Berowne said...

Pat: "I really must try them one of these days."
And you can make a fine salad of the leaves and stems. :-)

Catalyst said...

Had me a bit scared for awhile, Berowne. I'm glad it turned out o.k.!

CatLadyLarew said...

Ah, the pungent aroma of tomato leaves and stems... that, alone, should give one pause before making that fine salad!

Berowne said...

CatLadyLarew: "that, alone, should give one pause before making that fine salad!"
Hope no one really tries it. :-)

chiccoreal said...

Dear Berowne: Judge Phyllis is indeed a wise a fair judge. Wonders how many other common, everyday fruit and/or vegetables can produce such an unwanted case of the tv re "runs"? "Insert Groan here" Oh so Funny magpie! Thanks BeRoWnE!!!

Sue J said...

Most enjoyable :)

RA said...

Absolutely hilarious! You made my tomato.. I mean my day! :D

Berowne said...

RA: "You made my tomato.. I mean my day!"
Kiitos!

willow said...

This isn't gonna stop me from eating them! Cute, Mr. B!

Berowne said...

Stay away from them leaves and stems, willow!:-)

Jingle said...

witty twist,
I love tomatoes,
welcome to my place for a tomato feast.
cheers!

 
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