Thursday, June 3, 2010

Magpie #17


RICHARD SCHMIDLAPP'S MISADVENTURE
“I have to admit, Mill, that I’m a bit surprised. When you said you wanted to talk, I never dreamed you’d show up with a lawyer.”
“Well, let me introduce myself. I’m Bob Confrey, of Mannix, DeVito and Confrey, of New York. I’m here just to take part in a friendly conversation and make sure that you are aware of your sister-in-law’s position. Now, as I understand it, Mr. Schmidlapp, you have developed a new product?”
“You can say that again. I have created something new, really new, in the world of soft drinks. My product leaves the past behind; it’s totally 21st century. It’s called ‘Guacamuley,’ the first carbonated beverage ever marketed that is made from and tastes just like guacamole. They've had quacamole in liquid form before, but mine is the first carbonated, fizzy, beverage, sold in bottles just like Coke, Pepsi and Dr. Pepper! My logo so far has been a kicking mule, hence the name ‘Guacamuley,’ but some time back I stumbled upon something that will be a marvelous addition to our advertising, something that is going to send this wonderful product shooting off to national success.”
“And that something, I take it, was a work of sculpture by your sister-in-law?”

“Exactly. I stumbled upon this in their garage. It was amazing. Mildred, without realizing it, has created an entire advertising campaign for my product. That girl’s head that she had sculpted caught the exact moment so many have experienced when they’ve taken their first sip of Guacamuley – a look of surprise, delight and anticipation.”
“But you see, Mr. Schmidlapp, you don’t have the right to use her sculpture in your advertising.”
“But good heavens, Mill, I’m not doing anything bad for you; what I am doing is good. This ad campaign of mine is going to make your work famous”
“Your sister-in-law wants to be taken seriously as an artist.”
“Oh, come on. I mean, I love Mill – she’s the best thing that ever happened to my brother; she’s family. But she isn’t Michelangelo, right? She makes these little things as a hobby out back in her garage, part of an art class or something. And you talk about getting taken seriously as an artist? How do you do that? Well, you get what you do seen by a great many people. You’re never going to be known by anybody if you make something and it just sits in your dam’ garage.”
“Richard, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop saying ‘garage.’ That place is my atelier.”
“Atelier, garage, boudoir, whatever. I want to be sure you understand, Mill: these ads of mine are not only going to get you known all over the country, they’re going to turn into a solid source of income for you for the next few years. Once Guacamuley gets marketed nationally and the money starts rolling in, you can be sure you’ll get your share.”
“You don’t understand, Mr. Schmidlapp. The better galleries will never take her work if she is identified with a beverage called, er, Guacamuley.”
“What? You’re afraid to reach the common people? You think Jeff Koons worried about such a thing, that Warhol appealed only to the upper clahsses? They reflected the modern world. Reflected what’s happenin’. My ad campaign is a chance for my sis-in-law Mill to do the same.”
“Well, I’m afraid that we must insist that you not use that sculpture, or any picture of it, in your advertising.”
“Have you ever tried Guacamuley, Mr. Confrey?”
“I, er, had a sip of it.”
“Then you’re aware of its potential. I’m going to send you a prospectus; I think you’ll agree that the development and marketing of Guacamuley is a great investment opportunity.”
“Yeah, sure. By all means. Send it right over.”

48 comments:

Queenmothermamaw said...

Gosh you too a fast. I just now saw the prompt and got to give it some thought. Maybe I should just go with the first thing that comes to my mind. I like this.
QMM

Yemalla said...

You're so funny! I love your Magpies! Guacamuley! I can see the line-ups forming already.

Berowne said...

Thanks, Yemalla, for a great comment.

Paul C said...

This is another gem. You capture the expression perfectly with your story.

Shirley Landis VanScoyk said...

what color is guacamoly?

Bossy Betty said...

I'd buy it! Can I get a side of chips with it, please?

Suz said...

all of that from that picture!
the stuff sounds awful
but what do I know
great story as usual

Annie said...

What a terrible idea but, HEY!, you have to dream and Mr. Schmidlapp was some kind of dreamer. Perhaps Mill will loosen up and join the dream too.

Gabriela Abalo said...

I like it!

You saw surprise, delight and anticipation from a enjoyable angle… I saw the same but from a dark angle.

loveNlight
Gabi

Berowne said...

Shirley LVS: "what color is guacamoly?"
It's spelled guacamuley, Shirley. What color? It's sort of a sick blue. :-)

Berowne said...

Bossy Betty: "I'd buy it! Can I get a side of chips with it, please?"
Of course. And you'd have a complete, highly nutritious lunch right there. :-)

Berowne said...

Paul C.: "This is another gem."
What a generous comment.

Berowne said...

Suz: "great story as usual"
Great comment as usual. :-)

kathew said...

Holy Moley what great Guacamuley! I love your stories! Another helping please!

Berowne said...

kathew: "I love your stories! Another helping please!"
It really makes one's day when friends drop by with such encouraging comments. Thanks. :-)

Sandra said...

Great magpie!

Berowne said...

Sandra: "Great magpie!"
Great Sandra! :-)

Lisa said...

Another fun read. I love your takes on the prompts--so original and fabulously entertaining. Definitely something to look forward to each week!

Berowne said...

Lisa: "Definitely something to look forward to each week!"
Just as I look forward to your friendly comments. :-)

brenda said...

Totally 21st century...no doubt! Exquisitely crafted dialogue. It brings your characters to life. My students would call Schmidlapp a "douche." Ah, how they butcher language.

Great Magpie!

Berowne said...

brenda: "Exquisitely crafted dialogue...Great Magpie!"
Great to hear from you, brenda; thanks.

Aoife.Troxel said...

You seem to have a knack for characters who create weird and (sometimes) wonderful things.
As long as you don't go out and start up Guacamuley Enterprises!
So entertaining, and the dialouge was very realistic.
I think all your characters should invest in a comedy company together; they cetainly wouldn't have to act ;)

sheri... said...

hmmm, so i see a theme here? i recall a several of your posts having lawyers in them...anything you'd like to confess, berowne???
just kiddin'. this was lots of fun, a very unique magpie! you'll have to let us know how the sales go on that there new sodee pop ;)great work, my friend :)

Berowne said...

sheri: "you'll have to let us know how the sales go on that there new sodee pop"
Er -- would you be interested in investing in it..? :-)

Berowne said...

A. Troxel: "As long as you don't go out and start up Guacamuley Enterprises!"
H'mm. You've given me an idea. Hey, Edison started small too. :-)

willow said...

My favorite line is "That place is my atelier.” Well done, Mr. B.

Helen said...

Oh so clever ~ and entertaining ~ and if it were up to me, I would invest ~ for sure!

Tumblewords: said...

I'm sure it won't be a bust - there's nothing like the wonderful kick of Guacamuley! A-1.

Berowne said...

Helen: "...if it were up to me, I would invest ~ for sure!"
Please send all checks directly to me at my home address. :-)

Berowne said...

Great to hear from willow and Tumblewords too -- thanks.

Peg said...

Great story - I'd love to see his face when he tastes that!

Berowne said...

Peg: "Great story - I'd love to see his face when he tastes that!"
It's not bad; I tried it. Tastes a lot like Windex. :-)

C Hummel Kornell a/k/a C Hummel Wilson said...

Interesting...not sure I'd care for such a soft drink but your idea is wonderfully illustrated and visual for me. Very creative approach you have. Great Magpie!

Stafford Ray said...

An add for sickly blue drink that suggests it may turn you to stone... Yep, it's got legs!

Kevin Musgrove said...

Another neat bit of dialogue!

Vicki Lane said...

The mind reels at the thought of that drink! Good Magpie!

Katherine said...

OK Berowne first of all that was a great piece of writing as always. Very quirky!
But, Guacamole flavored fizzy drinks???
I'm starting to wonder if maybe you were drinking some other kind of (more palatable) fizzy drink before writing this!!
But then again...it could take off ... and then you could add other drinks to the line.
Like, let me see ~ cheeseburger flavor, Love-lee Lasagne Oh & what about Tingly Tuna flavor!!!
Loved your Magpie Berowne...you're such a clown!

Berowne said...

Katherine: "Loved your Magpie Berowne...you're such a clown!"
And here I was hoping to be taken seriously as another Dostoyevsky. :-)

Berowne said...

Glad to hear from you, Stafford Ray, Kevin Musgrove and Vicki Lane -- thanks.

Brian Miller said...

berowne, you are ever the entertainer..i always look forward to your take on prompt...now where are my chips...

Berowne said...

Brian Miller: "..i always look forward to your take on prompt."
And I always look foward to your comment on take. :-)

Patience said...

"Guacamuley!" Eww! Very inventive and funny. I think I know a few people like Richard;some ideas really should stay in their heads!

Lena said...

hee hee.....what a fabulous story to accompany the prompt! What a selfish in-law! I'd give you my clump of pottery any day!

chiccoreal said...

Dear Berowne!Guacamuley; The Pop that makes you Poop! Great bi-line. (I wouldnt doubt if somewone should lift your idea; you better tm that one fast! (as fast as the very visual after-effects of said number one best seller! Way to go Ber-OWNE!

Jingle said...

what fun and witty tale..
thank you for sharing and brightening our days..

mine is up!

Berowne said...

Special thanks to Patience, Lena, chiccoreal and Jingle for great comments.

C.M. Jackson said...

mmm mmm mmm --what will you think of next? funny magpie!

Berowne said...

"What will you think of next? funny magpie!"
Thanks, C.M. Glad you enjoyed it.

 
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