Tuesday, May 24, 2011

[For ABC Wednesday and Sunday Scribblings]
"S" is for "Shoes"

ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER): The “Judge Phyllis” show, one of cable television’s most successful programs, is already under way as we join it...
GLINDA: We had been staying together.
JUDGE PHYLLIS: For how long?
GLINDA: Three weeks, like.
JUDGE: So, Alberto, you were in a relationship with this young woman?
ALFREDO: We were, your honor; I mean I was. We both were, actually.
JUDGE: You were in love?
ALFREDO: I most certainly was.
GLINDA: Yet he stole my shoes!
JUDGE: Yes, that’s what this all boils down to. Why would you steal a lady’s shoes, Alberto?
ALFREDO: Judge, I am a philosopher. You see, the heart only knows what the yearning of the soul is aware of. Men may have scoffed through the centuries, but the truth is always there, always waiting to be found. You see, I am not one of the sheep; I stand out from the rest of the flock. This is what I have learned as I have wandered down through life’s path.
JUDGE: Unfortunately the network gives me just one hour for this program; otherwise I could take twenty minutes or so to try to figure out what you just said. In the meantime, how about you, Glinda? Why do you think he stole your shoes?
GLINDA: That’s easy! He found a new girl friend! He met her at work.
JUDGE: Where do you work, Alberto?
ALFREDO: Your honor, usually I take what comes my way. As a philosopher I learned long ago not to try to change the world, though deep inside all of us is the awareness that it certainly needs change. But, "Plus ca change," as they say at the Sorbonne. So I emphasize that I am not offended that you don’t seem to know my name, though it’s written right there on that paper in front of you. My name is “Alfredo,” not “Alberto.” Just think of the sauce, Sauce Alfredo – though they usually use too much butter in its preparation – and you’ll get it right every time.
JUDGE: Whatever. Let’s get back to business. Where do you work?
GLINDA: Go on, tell her. He works in the town dump, Judge.

ALFREDO: Actually, it is officially the municipal waste disposal division. I am a separation supervisor. As people come in with various types of material they wish to dispose of, I separate this into three parts: metal, wood and cardboard.
JUDGE: And you met this new girl friend at the town dump?
ALFREDO: She drove in with some things she wanted to throw away so I showed her how I was there to separate them. She appreciated my expertise and life philosophy. We sort of got to know each other. Her name is Eunice.
GLINDA: It would be something like Eunice. Look at him, Judge. He’s not much to look at but believe it or not he has a kind of mysterious charm that appeals to women.
JUDGE: That definitely is mysterious. So you decided to go after this new girl and dump the old one – speaking of the town dump.
ALFREDO: I would certainly not put it that way. I saw immediately that I could be of help to this young woman. Her shoes, your honor. Her shoes were all wrong for her – boring, utilitarian, unattractive. But I knew where there was a pair that was just right for her, made for her you might say.

JUDGE: I’m beginning to figure this out. So you went back and stole Glinda’s shoes to give to your new girl friend?
ALFREDO: I stole nothing. They were given to me.
JUDGE: And you, Glinda, Good Witch of the North, you gave him the shoes? Why on earth would you do that?
GLINDA: Well, I thought he was a freak, a bit of a pervert. You know, a “footishist” or whatever they call it. He wanted the shoes so I figured it would do no harm for him to have a little fun with them. I certainly didn’t know he planned to give them to another woman.
JUDGE: That’s it. You’ve got to give them back, Alberto.
ALFREDO: I don’t have them. They now belong to Eunice.
GLINDA: But you stole them!
ALFREDO: Again, Your Honor, I stole nothing. They were given to me, which means, according to our ancient Anglo-Saxon legal code, that I could do with them as I wished.
JUDGE: I’m afraid he’s got something there.
GLINDA: But isn’t there some kind of law against inalienations of affections?
JUDGE: Not really. At least not with that pronunciation. You know, Glinda, there’s an opera song titled “La donna e mobile”: women are fickle. But so often it’s men who are the fickle ones. You’ll see. Alberto will stick with this current girl friend till he meets someone new – or maybe comes across an enticing new pair of ladies’ shoes. Then he’ll be gone like a shot.
Bailiff, next case!


Roger Owen Green said...

Still, the guy put his foot in his mouth, I think.

ROG, ABC Wednesday team

Meryl said...

Really interesting post! You had my attention and kept it. Thanks for the diversion.

helenmac said...

I could not remain sobersided through the saga of Glinda and Alfredo and the less than sensible shoes.

Kay L. Davies said...

Wonderful fun, Berowne. I love "footishist" and the judge getting the perv's name wrong, LOL.
A very good read, and I've always believed S is for shoes!
— K

Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel

Tumblewords: said...

Yup, yup and yup. In for a shoe, out with a boot!

Hildred and Charles said...

O fickle, fickle shoes....

R. Burnett Baker said...

Funny fickled fun! We really must get congress to do something about those inalienations: If they keep stealing our shoes, NO ONE will have anything to wear!


Olive Tree said...

"speaking of the town dump", really, no pun intended there. I love it. Very witty. Don't mind me lingering around and getting me more reading materials. Thanks for stopping by to my blog earlier too.

Berowne said...

Meryl: "Really interesting post!"
Thanks, Meryl.
helenmac: "I could not remain sobersided."
Good--there's too much sobersided stuff anyway.
Kay L D: "Wonderful fun, Berowne."
Wonderful comment; thanks.
Rick: "Funny, fickled fun!"
Glad you found it so, Rick.
Olive Tree: "I love it. Very witty."
A most encouraging comment. Good too hear from you, Olive.

Jeanne said...

This is great, B!

Witty, (mostly) subtle, clever characterizations.


Berowne said...

What a fine comment, Jeanne. Thanks so much.

chiccoreal said...

Dear Berowne: "Fickle ones" more likely "fickle pickles" oops did i just say that? Sorry!

Madeleine Begun Kane said...

LOL! That was a fun read!

Anonymous said...

Loved this spin on Glinda and the "footishist" comment! You really got me going with this post, Berowne. Alfredo/Alberto? When we dine outside, we always invite our buddy, Al Fresco! Amy

Pat said...

I'd love to see that performed. Great characters.

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