Magpie 68

Prosecutor Sawyer: “Your name, please?”
Witness: “My name is Edna Emice. I’m the only Emice this side of the Mississippi.”
Sawyer.: “Well, that’s quite a distinction. Now, let’s see. Where were you on the afternoon of March fourth last?”
Witness: “I was parked across the street from that poor murdered girl’s apartment.”
Sawyer.: “And how did you happen to be parked there?”
Witness: “Well, I saw Mr Hartley leaving her apartment. That was quite a shock, so I parked my car and watched.”
Sawyer.: “Now I want to remind you, Miss Emice, that you are under oath and your testimony is very important. You know Mr. Hartley well, don’t you?”
Witness: “I sure do.”
Sawyer.: “And you are certain that it was Mr. Hartley that you saw there?”
Witness: “Absolutely.”
Sawyer.: “Your witness.”
Miss Wylie: “You used to work for Mr. Hartley, didn’t you, Miss Emice? For how long?”
Witness: “For twelve years.”
Wylie: “And then you were unfortunately -- let go, weren’t you?”
Witness: “I was fired, if you want me to spell it out for you.”
Wylie: “And it was Mr. Hartley who fired you?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Wylie: “So you really don’t like Mr. Hartley very much, do you?”
Sawyer.: “Objection, your Honor. Approach the bench?”
Judge: “Yes.”
Sawyer.: “Judge, you can see what’s happening here. The defense is trying to suggest that Hartley canned Emice, she got sore and she decided to get back at him by inventing his presence at a crime scene. A wild story. They’ve made all this up.”
Wylie: “No, that’s just what happened, your Honor.”
Judge: “We’re going to need something more solid than a suggestion, Miss Wylie.”
Wylie: “That will be provided, during cross examination.”
Judge: “All right; let’s get on with it.”
Wylie: “I understand you have some interesting hobbies, Miss Emice?”
Sawyer.: “What!? I object! Relevance?”
Judge: “Good point. How are the witness’s hobbies relevant, Miss Wylie?”
Wylie: “That’s what I intend to show, Judge, if I’m permitted to continue.”
Judge: “Well, I guess so, contingent upon you providing the relevance. Objection overruled.”
Wylie: “And you have a special interest in astronomy, don’t you?”
Witness: “Yes. But I don’t like to talk about it much; people usually laugh.”
Wylie: “Why?”
Witness: “Well, you know—people think I’m just a sweet little old lady without any advanced degrees and such. It is believed that only the PhDs know about such things as astronomy.”
Wylie: “But you have special knowledge, don’t you, something the PhDs don’t have? Especially about the planet Jupiter?”
Sawyer.: “That’s it! That’s enough! I object. Soon we’ll be hearing about Miss Emice’s hobby of building small ships in bottles. There’s only one point at issue, Judge. Did Miss Emice see Mr. Hartley at the crime scene or not? I realize that Miss Wylie is new to the legal profession; in fact, I believe this is her first trial as a defense attorney, so we should be tolerant and understanding and all that. But there’s a limit.”
Judge: “Yes, you haven’t shown relevance, Miss Wylie. Sustained.”
Wylie: “But she went there!”
Judge: “Sit down, Miss Wylie! I have just ruled against you. You should have learned at least that much in law school. Er—she went where?”
Wylie: “She went to Jupiter!”
Judge: “She went to..? Continue with your cross examination.”

Wylie: “How did you make that trip to the planet Jupiter, Miss Emice? Was it on a flying saucer?”
Witness: “No, not a saucer. It was more like a spaceship.”
Wylie: “And what happened when you got to the planet Jupiter?”
Witness: “Well, there was a wonderful welcome; everybody was friendly. I got to see the King.”
Wylie: “Really? You saw the King of Jupiter, with your very own eyes? Could you see him clearly?”
Witness: “Oh, yes. Very clearly.”
Wylie: “As clearly as you saw Mr. Hartley at the crime scene?”
Witness: “Yes, exactly.”
Sawyer.: “Your Honor…”
Wylie: “Move for dismissal, your Honor.”
[Submitted also to Writer's Island, ABC Wednesday and Sunday Scribblings]