Magpie #17

RICHARD SCHMIDLAPP'S MISADVENTURE
“I have to admit, Mill, that I’m a bit surprised. When you said you wanted to talk, I never dreamed you’d show up with a lawyer.”
“Well, let me introduce myself. I’m Bob Confrey, of Mannix, DeVito and Confrey, of New York. I’m here just to take part in a friendly conversation and make sure that you are aware of your sister-in-law’s position. Now, as I understand it, Mr. Schmidlapp, you have developed a new product?”
“You can say that again. I have created something new, really new, in the world of soft drinks. My product leaves the past behind; it’s totally 21st century. It’s called ‘Guacamuley,’ the first carbonated beverage ever marketed that is made from and tastes just like guacamole. They've had quacamole in liquid form before, but mine is the first carbonated, fizzy, beverage, sold in bottles just like Coke, Pepsi and Dr. Pepper! My logo so far has been a kicking mule, hence the name ‘Guacamuley,’ but some time back I stumbled upon something that will be a marvelous addition to our advertising, something that is going to send this wonderful product shooting off to national success.”
“And that something, I take it, was a work of sculpture by your sister-in-law?”

“Exactly. I stumbled upon this in their garage. It was amazing. Mildred, without realizing it, has created an entire advertising campaign for my product. That girl’s head that she had sculpted caught the exact moment so many have experienced when they’ve taken their first sip of Guacamuley – a look of surprise, delight and anticipation.”
“But you see, Mr. Schmidlapp, you don’t have the right to use her sculpture in your advertising.”
“But good heavens, Mill, I’m not doing anything bad for you; what I am doing is good. This ad campaign of mine is going to make your work famous”
“Your sister-in-law wants to be taken seriously as an artist.”
“Oh, come on. I mean, I love Mill – she’s the best thing that ever happened to my brother; she’s family. But she isn’t Michelangelo, right? She makes these little things as a hobby out back in her garage, part of an art class or something. And you talk about getting taken seriously as an artist? How do you do that? Well, you get what you do seen by a great many people. You’re never going to be known by anybody if you make something and it just sits in your dam’ garage.”
“Richard, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop saying ‘garage.’ That place is my atelier.”
“Atelier, garage, boudoir, whatever. I want to be sure you understand, Mill: these ads of mine are not only going to get you known all over the country, they’re going to turn into a solid source of income for you for the next few years. Once Guacamuley gets marketed nationally and the money starts rolling in, you can be sure you’ll get your share.”
“You don’t understand, Mr. Schmidlapp. The better galleries will never take her work if she is identified with a beverage called, er, Guacamuley.”
“What? You’re afraid to reach the common people? You think Jeff Koons worried about such a thing, that Warhol appealed only to the upper clahsses? They reflected the modern world. Reflected what’s happenin’. My ad campaign is a chance for my sis-in-law Mill to do the same.”
“Well, I’m afraid that we must insist that you not use that sculpture, or any picture of it, in your advertising.”
“Have you ever tried Guacamuley, Mr. Confrey?”
“I, er, had a sip of it.”
“Then you’re aware of its potential. I’m going to send you a prospectus; I think you’ll agree that the development and marketing of Guacamuley is a great investment opportunity.”
“Yeah, sure. By all means. Send it right over.”