Magpie 30

Assisting the Science Teacher
“What do you think Elmore is going to say when he learns that his father had an affair with one of his teachers?”
“Had an affair!? What kind of crazy talk is that? It was all perfectly innocent and natural. You see a young woman, a science teacher, attempting a scientific experiment, which could be dangerous, you feel you should assist.”
“Especially if she’s an attractive blonde teacher, like Mrs. Megid. Dangerous experiment? She was doing a demonstration using sodium chloride.”

“And people who have no scientific background – like you, Edna, if you’ll forgive me for saying it – don’t realize that such demonstrations can be toxic and dangerous.”
“Ray, don’t you realize that sodium chloride is salt, plain old table salt! It’s dangerous when you put too much of it on your scrambled eggs!”
“Salt? Where did you hear that?”
“It was the lead-off item on Fox TV News. Mrs. Megid was doing a little demo with salt as an entertainment for the visiting parents and you saw this as a chance to put your paws all over her.”
“There, you see? See how things get distorted? I just felt she might be a little nervous, what with the scientific experiment and all, so I tried to steady her.”
“Yes, handling table salt would make anyone start trembling. She claims that you put your arm around her waist"
“To steady her!”

“And she reported it to Mr Heinrich, the principal. Don’t blame him for banishing you from the school! He wasn’t the one who put the arm around her waist.”
“Actually, we can’t be sure he never tried. And I wasn’t ‘banished.’ Herr Heinrich just suggested that you be the one to come to the school in the future.”

“Well, that was enough to get you tossed out of the place. But that’s not all. Speaking of the principal, an hour ago I got a phone call from him. I hadn’t known about this but it seems that Elmore brought an apple to Mrs Megid this morning – you know, to try to make up for things. And there was some kind of creature in the apple.”
“Probably a caterpillar.”
“Why would you say that? Do caterpillars eat apples?”
“You can’t be sure. Don’t sell them short. Caterpillars are amazing creatures.”
“Ray, why are you pretending to be an authority on caterpillars, for God’s sake!”
“Hey, I know about this stuff. I was no city kid. My family had a big ranch…”
“Yes, I'm aware of that. What did you raise on that ranch, caterpillars? What a great life for a kid – ropin’ and ridin’ them old ‘pillars all day long.”
“You do have quite a sense of humor, Edna. I’ll give you that.”
“Anyway. it was actually a maggot in the apple. And Mrs. Megid now seems to be a bit hysterical because she feels you, not your son Elmore, put the thing – the maggot, whatever it was – in the apple just to torment her.”
“She’s a science teacher? Maybe she could demonstrate how anyone could insert a maggot into an apple? But I'm afraid that brings up another bad point.”
“I hate to think what this might be.”
“Well, it was about that bug in the apple. I thought it could be a maggot, so it somehow just slipped out: I was talking with Mrs. Megid on the phone to apologize to her and somehow her name came out as Mrs. Maggot. It just slipped out. I was sorry, of course, but I had the feeling she was upset.”
“Yes, you call someone ‘maggot’ and they tend to get a bit perturbed.”
“A slip of the tongue, which I apologized for.”
“You don’t seem to realize that this has turned out to be something big. The principal now refers to Mrs Megid as ‘the victim.’ And he has notified her husband – you now have Mister Megid to deal with. He’s the wrestling coach. Try not to call him ‘Mr. Maggot.’”