Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Magpie 43

Carol: “From the outside it looks great, like a cosy country inn. But inside! In the immortal words of Bette Davis: what a dump!”
Bob: “I know. It’s not the Saint Regis. But it’s out of the way; no one’s going to know who we are.”
C: “Well, at the moment I’m not too certain who I am.”
B: “But I’m sure glad you’re here. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most attractive temp who ever came to work for our company.”
C: “Thanks, Mr. Brock – I mean, Bob. Here I am, already involved in a romantic interlude with one of the company’s executives. My business career is really taking off.”
B: “I love your sense of humor.”
C: “Good. Let’s see. What should we do? I suppose we can always sit on the couch and watch TV.”
B: “Oh, that. I tried it; doesn’t work. The wiring is faulty.”
C: “Ha. They should have named this place Faulty Towers. Look, I’m aware it’s a cliché, but I want you to know I don’t do this sort of thing often – what in God’s name is that!?”
B: “Oh, that’s Hepzibah. My wife’s dog.”
C: “You brought your wife’s dog!?”
B: “Long story. The short version is this: the dog-sitter couldn’t make it today and my family is out of town – and I certainly didn’t want to cancel our little get-together – so I had to bring her. I hoped you’d understand.”
C: “Of course, no problem. Every time I’ve been to a motel with a guy in the past he has shown up with his wife’s dog.”
B: [Laughs] “I knew you’d take it the right way. She’s a wonderful pup. Look at her, lying there in the corner. Real good. She won’t cause any problems.”
[Phone rings]
Bob: “Yes?”
Motel Manager: “Mr. Brock, is it that you are with a dog in the motel?”
B: “Uh, yes, I’m here with the family pet.”
MM: “No dogs is permitted in the motel.”
B: “Don’t worry; she’s very quiet, doesn’t bark and that sort of thing.”
MM: “No dogs is permitted!”
B: “H’mm. Maybe we can work something out. Suppose I pay you an extra fifty dollars for the room.”
MM: “The dog must be gone – in three hours. That should give you enough time to… Anyway, I’ll add additional charge to your bill.”
B: “Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, that’s one hurdle I’ve jumped over.”
Carol: “I’m sorry, Bob, but a dog is a bit more than I bargained for.”
Bob: “Look at her; you’d never know she’s there.”
C: “But that’s the problem; I do know she’s there. I don’t think I could, er, function with a dog in the room.”
B: “We’ll put her in another room, the bathroom.”
C: “Well, I’m no dog expert, no dog whisperer, but it seems to me if you lock up a pooch in a bathroom and close the door, she’s going to start howling.”
B: “No, no. She doesn’t howl; she’s no howler. At most, she might groan a little.”
C: “Howling, groaning. This is like when I was a kid in a fun house. Creatures appear from time to time, making scary noises.”
[Knock on door]
B: “Who could that be? I didn’t want anyone to know I was here.”
C: “I don’t particularly want anyone to know I’m here. I’ll be hiding in the bathroom, case anyone needs me. If you hear any groaning, it’ll be me.”
[Door opens]
Bob: “Mrs. Hansen! What do you want?”
Secretary: “It’s a family emergency, Mr. Brock. I didn’t want to bother you; I know you must be busy…”
B: “No, no. What is it? What’s the emergency?”
S: “Well, your wife and child returned early from Chicago and Mrs. Brock found that your dog has escaped. She phoned me; she wants you to come home right now to search for the dog.”
B: “Oh well, that’s all right. Hepzibah is with me. I’d like you to phone Mrs. Brock and tell her that I’ve taken the pup for an afternoon romp in the park.”
S: “The dog is with you, here in the motel?”
B: “Yes, I’ll explain it all later. No need to mention the motel. Tell her I’ll be bringing the dog home, after our romp in the park, in three hours. The park closes in three hours. Thanks.”
[Door closes]
Bob: “Wow. Another hurdle I’ve jumped over. This is like a track meet.”
Carol [Emerging from bathroom]: “Or a dog race.”
B: “Anyway, we can relax now. We’ve got everyone calmed down.”
C: “Except perhaps for me. Bob, I think we should chalk this up as a good try, but it didn’t work out. This is probably not what I should be doing anyway. Besides, there’s too much going on. I want to leave – before someone comes to check the whereabouts of your cat.”


R. Burnett Baker said...

Funny... No need to check on the cat. It's already out of the bag!


Tess Kincaid said...

Haha, Willow Manor really should be called Fawlty Towers! Just the name Hepzibah makes me laugh.

Cad said...

A shaggy dog story, if ever I heard one..

signed...bkm said...

Fun read - a dog in the bathroom, I can picture that...and what is left of it..a real romantic this Bob is...bkm

kaykuala said...

A great skit. C obviously believes in 'if it can go wrong, it will'. Mrs Brock might just make an unexpected entry! Phew!

Kathe W. said...

what a story....hilarious and smart woman to just leave!

Tumblewords: said...

A fine non-fiction piece. :)

Maggie said...

Everyone's gone funny this week. ( just started perusing the tales) Love it.

Maureen Newman said...

Sometimes circumstances beyond our control force us to make the right decision. I love the "cat" ending.

Sue J said...

It's first thing in the morning, and this has given me my first chuckle of the day. You'd think Bob would be better at this as he's obviously done it before (still smiling). Thanks!

hedgewitch said...

You make your characters very real, even though I think it's pretty clear who's writing their script. I think at the knock, the chickie should have wedged in the bathroom window with the dog firmly attached to her leg in a death grip taught in attack-dog classes purchased by wife, but that's just me. ;-)

Berowne said...

Good plot idea, hedgewitch; thanks.

Berowne said...

Tumblewords: "A fine non-fiction piece."
"Non-fiction"? Does that mean...Could that mean, Tumblewords, that you've been there done that? :-)

Unknown said...

I couldn't help but imagine Bob Newhart as Bob.

Angie Muresan said...

Haha. Love it. Will go to bed thinking about it and hopefully having a funny dream as a result.

spacedlaw said...

So much for a romantic escape...

Reader Wil said...

Very funny story! You're a good writer!

Berowne said...

Thanks, Reader Wil!

Lyn said...

Ah, Fawlty Towers...sort of a clue, I think..funny is always good!!

Berowne said...

Lyn: "..funny is always good!!"
Words to live by. :-)

Everyday Goddess said...

Great story, I bet Hepzibah has quite a few more to tell!

Berowne said...

Excellent comment from my friend Everyday -- thanks.

Other Mary said...

lol, 'twasn't meant to be!

Brigid O'Connor said...

Great piece and perfect last line.

Berowne said...

My thanks for some very encouraging comments to Rick, willow, bkm, Cad, kaykuala, Kathew, thingy, Maureen, Sue J, Rene, Angie, spacedlaw, Mary and Brigid.

chiccoreal said...

Hilarious! Absolutely see this staged on Broadway! Is Hepzibath name from Pogo or Marvel Comix? Either way never bring pooch on a tyrst or it will soon be a tyrst of the twisted leash kind! Reminds me of Neil Simon, famous American playwright! Yes!

Berowne said...

chiccoreal: "Reminds me of Neil Simon."
As compliments go, you can't do much better than that. :-)

ds said...

Bob and Carol and...Hepzibah! Priceless. The Marx Brothers (if Bob has brothers--does he?) go to "Holiday Inn"--sort of. Anyway, this is very funny and clever. Enjoyed it!

Lydia said...

Berowne~ Ditto on the Neil Simon comment above. But that is cheating. Let's just say that Woody Allen would arm wrestle Simon for production rights. :)

Berowne said...

A couple of truly great comments from ds and Lydia -- my sincere thanks.

The Blog of Bee said...

This is real farce! What a fantastically funny read.

OJ Gonzalez-Cazares said...

lol - what a getaway! smart writing, dog included.

Berowne said...

Thanks Bee and OJ; your enthusiastic comments are much appreciated.

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