Magpie Entry #5

“I thought you’d have been able to glance at the script by now; you’ve had it three weeks.”
“Look at this pile of scripts on my desk. I’m supposed to read all of these, and more come tumbling in every day.”
“Yeah, but we’re family. What’s the use of having a sister married to a producer if he won’t read your script.”
“Well, she wouldn’t let up on me till I read the dam’ thing. So I read it.”
“And..?”
“Norman, let me put it this way. There’s a point where the phrase ‘Not very good’ turns into ‘This is nuts.’ That’s the point I’ve reached with your script.”
“That’s it! That’s it! ‘Weird,’ that’s the word you’re searching for, isn’t it, Max? And that’s just an ancient Anglo-Saxon word to describe what we today call ‘surreal.’ And that surrealism is what is going to make this moderate-budget movie into an international blockbuster!”
“Moderate budget? Fifty mill?”
“Today that’s moderate. As you read the script, couldn’t you see the universal appeal of this project? Think of it. The story of Pinocchio, who started out life as a little wooden boy, who grew up and fell in love with a beautiful young lady who had started out life as a little wooden girl.”
“That has universal appeal – to mebbe five-year-olds.”
“Yes, and that’s why we’re making sure we appeal to adults as well as kids.”
“That’s where Shakespeare comes in?”
“Right. The little wooden boy has grown up; his name is now Jonny Cedar.”
“What’s the girl’s name – Natalie Wood?”
“Max, you kill me.”
“That thought has crossed my mind. Say, maybe you could name the guy Jonny O’Cedar. We could get some great commercial tie-ins because the O’Cedar Company makes great mops, brooms and dustpans.”
“I see. Max, you simply haven’t understood the magical potential of this project.”
“What I do understand is the staggering cost of CGI production.”
“Again, you’ve hit upon it! There’s no computer-generated imagery involved! This will all be stop-motion. Frame-by-frame animation. Which means we can bring production costs way down. Fifty million? Forget about it. We plan to bring that down to, at the most, forty-five.”
“Whew. For a while there I thought you were expecting me to risk some real money. So you’re planning to use the same type of animation they used in making ‘Robot Chicken’?”
“Right. In a way this will be another ‘Robot Chicken,’ though raised to a higher intellectual level.”
“That won’t be easy.”
“Ha. Max, you should do stand-up.”
“I’m glad I wasn’t standing up when I read your script. So your two leads are basically animation figures?”



“You might put it that way. Here. Look at this. We don’t have the whole figure made as yet, but look at this, the girl’s hand. Exquisite work, right? Now, try to picture the famous balcony scene of ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ Jonny Cedar delivers those incredibly beautiful lines: ‘See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. O! that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek.’ That will become one of the most emotionally-moving moments in cinematic history.”
“Yeah, there won’t be a dry seat in the house.”
“I have to say, Max, I’m a little disappointed in your attitude.”
“Look. Even if your script made some sense, it would have a hard time making it up to the level of ‘lousy.’ In the first place, there’s no real conflict. Conflict, Norm! Conflict is what interests audiences, conflict is what sells.”
“Well, sure. We could add some conflict.”
“How about this? The young woodenish couple is parked on Mulholland Drive late at night and sort of making out.”
“I don’t think…”
“I know you don’t, Norman. So just listen. Out of the darkness of the night that surrounds them, and accompanied by heavy, threatening music, comes a terrifying figure – a woodcutter!”
“I see. Well, Max, thanks for your time. I’ve got to get over to Disney; they’ve shown some interest.”
“Good luck, Norman. Maybe you can get Woody Harrelson for the voice-over.”